Middle-aged men missing out on friendship can face physical and mental health risks
Imagine waking up one day and realising — aside from your partner or family — you have no-one to talk to.
No close friend to call if you have lost your job, no shoulder to cry on if your parents are gone and no-one to support you if your relationship breaks down.
This is the reality many men face as they head into middle age. Not only are these men lonely, their social isolation has the potential to significantly affect their physical and mental health.
Studies have linked social isolation and loneliness to a whole host of health issues, including high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke and depression.
In fact, research has shown that people who are socially isolated have up to five times more risk of dying from almost all causes.
Men with lower levels of social support are also more vulnerable to psychological distress, according to head of research for beyondblue Dr Stephen Carbone.
"Social supports act as a buffer, as a protective mechanism against the development of depression," he said.
"Social connectedness is a major contributor to improved mental health wellbeing."
Dr Carbone said our social networks were vital in helping us navigate life's rough patches, and those without this support find their stress is not reduced by some of the "diffusing, de-escalating things that happen when you interact with others".
Maybe these men can get by — but they'll likely do better in the long run with some friends in their life, Dr Carbone argues.
We're crowdsourcing ideas on how to maintain social connections in middle age. So get in touch and let us know your experience of making and maintaining friendships health@your.abc.net.au
Even if you do not discuss your problems with friends, sometimes just being around other people helps.
"Interacting with others is fun; it's enjoyable, it offers you a bit of an antidote to what else might be happening," Dr Carbone said.
"It's like the old adage, 'humans are social creatures'. We do better together."
A common story
A report published by beyondblue found that 25 per cent of 30 to 65-year-old men had no-one outside their immediate family they felt they could rely on.
It also found that 37 per cent of those surveyed were not satisfied with the quality of their relationships, often feeling they were not emotionally connected or supported.
Friendship tips from the experts:
- Explore hobbies and activities you find engaging, positive and productive, as friendships can flourish through shared interests.
- Think quality not quantity. It may be catching up with just one friend, once a month.
- Online is fine too. Supplement face-to-face catch-ups with digital communication - a text or Facebook message. Small steps over time help develop friendships.
- Make friends with women too, or other couples.
- Avoid friendships that revolve around drinking, drugs or uncalculated risk taking.
"Many men want greater openness with their friends and to be able to talk about personal problems, but admit they don't always have the skills or tools to initiate these conversations, or understand how to respond when a friend opens up to them," the researchers found.
UK men's health charity Movember made similar findings, reporting that the proportion of men aged between 35 and 54 who said they had no friends with whom they could discuss a serious topic (11 per cent) was double that of those aged between 18 and 34 (5 per cent).
Asked how often they had contact with any of their friends, a higher proportion of middle aged men said it was less than monthly when compared to younger men. The odds of never making contact with friends doubled among the men aged 35 to 54, compared to the younger age groups.
Wellbeing 'dips' during middle age
Friendships can be particularly helpful when we head into middle age, when many of us have lower life satisfaction and wellbeing.
The UK's latest annual wellbeing snapshot found those aged 45 to 64 were the least satisfied with their life overall.
Similarly, last year's Australian Unity Wellbeing Index identified a "slight wellbeing dip in middle age" after which satisfaction with life increased into old age.
Men and their sheds
If you or someone you know is looking to connect and make friends with men of a similar age, a Men's Shed could be the way to go.
The Men's Sheds movement was formed and decade ago and since then has taken off across Australia, providing a powerful avenue for men to connect and socialise.
That same opportunity to make friends and share skills is now available via your preferred device atThe Shed Online, a virtual community for men.
Founded by beyondblue, The Movember Foundation and the Australian Men's Shed Association, the Shed Online is a space for men to talk and interact with other men.
It also provides men with information on health and wellbeing.
(Photo: ABC South West/Anthony Pancia)
It has been suggested the demands of managing the home, balancing work and family, as well as caring for ageing parents and children may all contribute to this sense of dissatisfaction.
Given the "buffering" aspect of friendships are so vital at this time, why is it that friendship is such a challenge for some middle-aged men?
Expectations and the narrow cultural norms associated with masculinity were identified as issues by those who contributed to the beyondblue research.
"The expectation that men are silent, resilient, unemotional and self-reliant makes it harder for them to engage with others, and especially with other men, in any but a very superficial way," the report noted.
Yet social expectations and norms do not provide the full explanation.
"There are nuances below that, such as changes in family circumstances, or financial issues, or changes in work, or people moving away from where they grew up, or middle-aged men not keeping up with sport and losing contact with that group of friends," Dr Carbone said.
Another possible factor is that it follows a period of establishing life partnerships and starting families.
"It's in that timeframe, the 30s, that we're partnering up, starting to have kids, becoming very busy with jobs, and I wonder whether it's those contextual things that contribute to that observed dip," he said.
Don't stop making an effort
Many men, for whatever reason, stop making the effort, according to Dr Carbone. But the truth is our social networks need to be nurtured and kept active.
Steve, a 34-year-old professional who is single and lives with his mother, admits he does not meet up with his friends as often as he would like.
Making an effort to catch up with them more frequently would be good, but after a day's work he is often tired and prefers to just go home and relax.
The beyondblue research described Steve as being closest to the average level of social connectedness for this group of men.
They have no real emotional, financial, time or health barriers, yet while they see some value in having a rich social life it's not a priority for them.
"It would be nice to have more time with friends, but everyone's busy," Steve said. "I've been the instigator of catch-ups before, but it's a hassle."
Some men lack skills to get help
Dr Elizabeth Celi, a psychologist and men's mental health specialist, said many middle-aged men "missed primary school and high school", when it came to acquiring skills in emotional openness.
"You're talking about a generation of men who weren't encouraged or raised to express themselves, if anything they were overtly and covertly given the messages you don't share your emotions or open up about your personal issues," Dr Celi said.
"By the time they're in their 20s and have gone through the early developmental phase, the generations change and socially we're in a different place where it's OK for men to do this, and we want men to do this.
"But they haven't had a chance to learn it. And then we expect them to do it in a day."
Dr Celi said society needed to be more receptive to men opening up.
"I speak to a lot of men who, when they do open up, the people in their networks dismiss it or tell them to toughen up ... that's not exactly encouraging those men to build quality friendships," she said.
But she argues it is important not to compare men's friendships with women's.
"Men do quality friendships, which means it will typically be fewer friends in their network. They don't necessarily show them outwardly to the same degree that women do," she said.
24-hour telephone counselling
- Lifeline on 13 11 14
- Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
- MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
- Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
- Headspace on 1800 650 850
