Not my normal blog entry but its my life warts and all :)
Four years ago I wrote this on the one year anniversary of
mum’s passing. It was on this day five years ago Friday June 10 2011 that we
laid mum to rest. The week had been awful. The Sunday night I had been down at
the nursing facility to try to calm mum down as she had been upset that night
with everything. I sat with her for ages just stroking her hair and that seemed
to calm her down. Eventually I went home and got some sleep as it had been a
big weekend with covering netty amongst other things.
I got a call after missing a few on the Monday morning due
to being exhausted. The manager of the facility spent 10 minutes giving the
third degree as to why I hadn’t answered the phone when he called the first
time. After he made himself feel better and powerful he finally told me mum had
died. The low life piece of shit should have had a broken jaw after I got there
but I had more important things to worry about. I have never forgiven him.
Going in to mums room and holding her after she had died was
difficult but I had to cuddle her one last time. I had no more chance to grieve
after that as I was too busy organising for her get up to Townsville from the
Gold Coast and driving up there myself and tying up loose ends on the Coast.
On the five year anniversary nothing has changed. The pain
and the loneliness are still as strong as ever. Her picture next to the TV
still breaks my heart and moving it wouldn’t change a thing. I guess that
happens when you have no-one here. I try
to write from the heart and in a conversational way people can relate to so I hope
that is why my blog is reaching people around the world at present.
I always try to get better at whatever I do but the fact is I
can’t add anything to what I originally wrote just before I moved home to North Queensland , so here it is.
Love xoxoxo
D
“Dear Mum,
It was a year ago today you left me. You left me but I understand. You had been in pain for so long and you were so scared. In that final weekend I wish I could have made the fear go away but for the first time a cuddle and holding your hand and stroking your hair was not making it go away.
Mum you were brave when you needed to be and you saved your children’s lives. You moved us to Townsville and not only gave us a life but you gave us a future.
If I was a person of faith I would tell you “I’ll see you on the other side”. I don’t believe in such things, pity it would probably make it a little easier. Instead I’ll do my best with whatever time I have left to make you proud of me.
Mum I wish every son could have the relationship with their mother that I had with you. Yes I was devoted but that’s the way it should be. It was wonderful to have you down here on the Gold Coast in your final months so I could see you every day if I was able.
I just wish you were still here.
Right now I have never felt so alone and I miss you so much but I also know that is selfish as you are no longer in pain and you are no longer scared.
Goodbye Mum, I love you XXX and I will think of you constantly till my final breath.”
It was a year ago today you left me. You left me but I understand. You had been in pain for so long and you were so scared. In that final weekend I wish I could have made the fear go away but for the first time a cuddle and holding your hand and stroking your hair was not making it go away.
Mum you were brave when you needed to be and you saved your children’s lives. You moved us to Townsville and not only gave us a life but you gave us a future.
If I was a person of faith I would tell you “I’ll see you on the other side”. I don’t believe in such things, pity it would probably make it a little easier. Instead I’ll do my best with whatever time I have left to make you proud of me.
Mum I wish every son could have the relationship with their mother that I had with you. Yes I was devoted but that’s the way it should be. It was wonderful to have you down here on the Gold Coast in your final months so I could see you every day if I was able.
I just wish you were still here.
Right now I have never felt so alone and I miss you so much but I also know that is selfish as you are no longer in pain and you are no longer scared.
Goodbye Mum, I love you XXX and I will think of you constantly till my final breath.”
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