As I promised before Xmas I will be thanking some individuals whom without their generosity of both spirit and financially I probably would have had to make some awful decisions regarding medication and food etc. I will be doing this shortly but I may be a touch slow as to put it bluntly medically I am not doing so well right now. Nothing can be done so I am trying to ride it out the best I can. So for now a general heartfelt thank you to everyone who has helped this year.
This time last year I was both mentally and physically exhausted. I have had to deal with my body screaming genuine life and death problems at me for 15 years now and the bottom line is no matter how tough you are sooner or later the sheer tiredness and exhaustion of it all takes its toll. Every procedure involves being cut open and things either get ripped out or put in. I gave up counting after number 35 lol.
Frankly I was ready and at peace. It was time for it all to end. I was ready to die.
I somehow made it through xmas and one night early in the new year I let it all out in a conversation with a couple of friends. My belief in humanity had completely gone and I just wanted it all to end.
After a few days of pouring my heart out on the phone as I had had enough of seeing people with little need getting government assistance and I couldn’t even get help for a scooter to maybe pay off as I could barely walk by now. Kerri Robertson and my high school friend and love Samantha got together and set up the assistance page. A wonderful gesture that I certainly did not expect or ask for. As those who are close to me are now aware I kept my mouth shut as to how bad things were for over 10 years.
I took great pride in being the tough guy and realising that I could genuinely look at a cancer patient and if they were complaining about their lot in life I could easily look at them and say “wanna swap?” as I knew exactly what I was talking about for reasons I wont go into in this post.
The generosity of certain individuals and organisations I will go into in subsequent posts but the way things are at the moment it is not my state of depression that is part of the issue it is my body has now had enough. If my body matched my mind right now I would be in a wonderful place. The love and gratitude I feel right now unfortunately cannot be matched by my body which genuinely has had enough and the bloods and prognosis show a very grim outcome.
But you know what? That’s ok. Because over the course of 2017 I discovered my faith in human decency all over again. I have come to realise who my real friends are and no its not about who gave the most financial help although I know I would not have been able to survive without it.
I’m talking about people who when coming up to north queensland on holidays actually made the effort to call and arrange a meet up. Whether it was them coming to see me or me travelling to cairns to catch up it meant the world to me. They made no excuses they were up this way and made the effort and I will never forget their kindness.
Situations like when I was a silly boy and tried to move a couch and my dear friend Sharon rushed over to find me not knowing where I was due to oxygen deprivation and awful angina. She caught me and held my arm and hand while I gained my senses back as I didn’t know if I was Arthur or Martha. Kerri Robertson had to do a similar thing at the Tolga pub when she and my beautiful heart munchkin her daughter Paige surprised me in May by flying up to surprise me.
So many other instances that I will go over soon but for now by body is saying go to bed. I don’t use the word love in a flippant manner. I never have and for those that know me well they are aware that if I say it I mean it.
Like I said my body has very much had enough and it’s hard to know when it will just shut down but rest assured due to the efforts of a number of beautiful people I will die in a wonderful state of mind and nobody can ask for more than that.
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